How to comfort a loved one with cancer

By: Leona Oh, Principal Medical Social Worker, Department of Psychosocial Oncology, National Cancer Centre Singapore

Learning that a loved one has cancer can cause fear, anxiety, concern and sadness. You may feel unsure about what to say or how to support them. An NCCS Medical Social Worker shares advice on what to say and how to support them through this life-changing diagnosis.

Simply being there and listening to a patient can be a source of comfort. (Credit: iStock.com/Pornpak Khunatorn)

1) What do you say to your friend, colleague or loved ones when they are diagnosed with cancer?

Start by listening to them without judgement. Allow them to talk, vent or share their worries without interrupting or judging how they feel. Simply being there and allowing them to express themselves can be beneficial. It is also vital to understand that every cancer patient’s journey is unique. There will be days when they may seem like their usual selves, while on other days they may be sad, angry, miserable, and only want to talk about the challenges they are facing. Learn to accept these changes in their mood.  

2) What are some things you can say to give them hope and encouragement to go through treatment?

If you struggle to find the right words to say to a patient, here are some helpful phrases you could use: 

• If you feel like talking, I am here to listen
• I care for you
• You have been going through a challenging time and I am here for you
• What can I do for you?
• Take all the time you need.

3) Knowing what not to say is also important to avoid making the patient or caregiver(s) feel worse. What should one avoid saying?

Knowing what not to say can be as important as saying the right thing. Here are some examples of what not to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer:

• I understand how you feel
• You’re still young / you have a whole life ahead of you
• Call me when you need help
• Be strong
• Don’t worry
• You can beat this
• I am sure you will be fine

You can offer a comforting gesture such as a pat on the shoulder to show that you care. 

Also, avoid preaching, offering advice or downplaying their experience by sharing stories of other patients who have faced even more severe diagnosis as this may come across as unsympathetic. It is okay if you do not know what to say, you can offer a comforting gesture such as a hug or a pat on the shoulder or hand to show that you care.

4) In addition to saying the right thing, what can I do to support a cancer patient or survivor (i.e., a colleague who may still be feeling tired/weak or battling brain fog after completing treatment)?

Support and encouragement are often showered on patients and their families at the time of diagnosis. However, this tends to taper off over time even though the emotional impact of cancer persists long after the initial diagnosis. Even for cancer survivors, the fear of recurrence, follow-up medical appointments, scans and tests can continue to cause significant stress. 

You can show your concern and support by preparing or buying nutritious food for a loved one who is receiving treatment. (Credit: iStock.com/Rawpixel)

Family, friends and colleagues are an integral part of a patient’s cancer journey. They can show their support throughout the journey by:

i. Offering practical assistance

• Fetching or accompanying them for medical appointments
• Helping to pick up groceries/medical supplies or running errands for them
• Cooking meals or buying nutritious food for them  

ii. Emotional support

Cancer patients and survivors may hesitate to ask and accept help because they want to appear brave or do not want to inconvenience others. Instead of saying “Call me when you need help”, you can proactively reach out to them before, during and after treatment. 

If you know a cancer patient or survivor who needs support, you can refer them to:

• NCCS Department of Psychosocial Oncology at 6306 1777 or email psychosocial@nccs.com.sg for emotional support, financial and practical assistance as well as patient support programme. 
• NCCS Cancer Helpline at 6225 5655 or email cancerhelpline@nccs.com.sg This confidential service, staffed by nurse counsellors  provides information on risk factors, symptoms, prevention, treatment management.