Since few men and women achieve better sex through chemistry, it is important to use some psychology to promote sexual desire after cancer treatment. One factor that often interferes with desire is feeling incapacitated due to treatment, rather than being a vital, sensuous person. Feeling sexual again is easier if you can experience pleasure from your body. Here are some strategies to get you in the mood!

WORK OUT!

Sexual desire is stronger when you are in good physical condition. Perhaps there are limits to how much you can exercise or improve your health, but consider what your options are. Can you dance, walk or swim regularly? If you have given up a sport you enjoyed, are you ready to return to it? If you are a golfer, perhaps you need to use a cart or a caddie or to play nine holes instead of eighteen. If you are a jogger, maybe you need to start out with walking instead. Exercise is a part of rehabilitation for cancer patients. Your doctor can refer you to a physiotherapist to help with exercises that you can perform.

DON’T TAKE YOUR BODY FOR GRANTED

Few people, especially women, feel satisfied with their appearance. Even the young and healthy criticize themselves harshly. The media sets a high standard of beauty and fitness that not many can match. How much more difficult it becomes to love and enjoy one’s body after an illness. Thoughts about extra weight, wrinkles, scars or other physical changes can distract you in the middle of lovemaking. If you have scars or physical change from your cancer treatment, you can camouflage them or learn to feel positive about them as “badges” of your survival. A different way to think about your body is to rejoice in all the ways that it remains healthy and whole. Having a brush with death can make the pleasures of living more vivid and intense.

DELIGHT YOUR SENSES

Sexual pleasure depends in part on giving yourself permission to enjoy your senses. Take extra time to dress in a favourite outfit and notice how nice you look. Delight your sense of smell; take a bubble bath or splash on some cologne or perfume. Rub scented body lotion before bedtime. Enjoy the sense of touch. Ask your partner to stroke your hair or your back. Run your hands over your partner’s body and notice the smooth shapes or soft skin. For the pleasure of sound, put on your favourite music when you’re enjoying each other’s company. Ask your partner to whisper something sexy in your ear.

SLOW COOK YOUR DESIRE

In the busy lives of most couples, thoughts about sex quickly get dismissed, and lovemaking becomes a quickie after the late night news. Sexual desire needs to simmer on the back burner for a while so that it takes less effort to turn up the flame when the time is right.

Think about activities that put you in the mood for sex. Maybe you need some private time just to relax so that you can turn your attention later to your partner. Tune-in to sexual signals around you. Perhaps reading an erotic novel or stories can help develop sexual fantasies to put you in the mood for intimacy.

If your energy is limited, scheduling time to lie down or nap before lovemaking might help. A bath or massage can be a helpful prelude to lovemaking.

MAKING SEX MORE EROTIC

If you begin sexual intimacy without having a strong amount of desire, you might find it stressful to get fully aroused or to reach orgasm. This is a common problem in men and women after cancer treatment. Perhaps some extra mental or physical sexual stimulation would help you get a better erection or to lubricate more to help make it easier to reach orgasm. Spend a longer time on foreplay, giving each other more feedback on the types of hand caressing or stimulation that feels best, or varying positions for intercourse. Sexy lingerie, sexual aids, videos, lubricants and fancy condoms may help.

PILLS AND POTIONS

The media regularly present stories about sensational, sex-enhancing drugs. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or a true aphrodisiac. Many herbs and chemicals advertised in health food stores as sexual stimulants have not been scienfically proven to be effective and can often be dangerous. Taking excessive supplements will not improve your sex life and can even be harmful to your health if you exceed the maximum recommended dose.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Speaking with a professional sex therapist can be helpful in addressing your concerns. You can discuss your problems with your treating oncologist and a referral can be made to the appropriate specialist.

Reference:
R. Schover (1996). Enhancing Sexual Desire After Cancer. Is there is a problem? Why it happened and how to fix it. Chapter 9.